While I vowed to leave all bad habits in 2017 where they belong, I feel it's only fair to give an honest update to how my life's been unfolding these past several months. I must say I wish I had more exciting and sparkly news to report, however with 1 month down in 2018, I'm simply at a standstill. While the shiny Instagram version of me trolls the internet and social scenes, the real, exhausted and emotionally drained version of me is going stir crazy.
After my trip out West, I came back refreshed and ready to take on quite literally, whatever life had to throw at me. But after my first (of many) unpublished meltdowns, I quickly realized I had jumped the gun. I wasn't miraculously over what had just happened to me. I simply took a small hiatus from my life and now the vacation was over.
With the unwavering support of family, friends and my therapist, I've been dealing with the extreme highs and lows of my reality. The truth is, I'm okay day to day, but at least once a day, I'm sucked back into a memory of what was, like some zoned out zombie staring off into nothing. There's still so much work to be done, with no guarantee of when I'll really feel "normal" again. All I know is I'd be nowhere without my family and friends.
I'm doing my best to keep busy and fill my days with things I love. But I'm yearning for real purpose and inspiration and for this feeling in the pit of my stomach to finally dissipate. The truth is I'm impatient. I want everything yesterday, with little to no flexibility of accepting certain things take time.
What I'm saying is life is never the curated Instagram feed or highlighted Facebook post we all are guilty of sharing. Life is most often messy, unorganized and unpredictable. 2017 certainly assured me of that. For every perfect photo, there's 15 outtakes, eyes half closed looking oddly reminiscent of the alien in the alleyway in the movie Signs. It's just the way it goes. I'm trying to get comfortable with the outtakes. I'm exhausted searching for that ideal job, dream apartment, even perfect photo that will complement my feed in all the right ways. I'm so busy focusing on the highlights, I'm missing the life that's connecting all of those fragments in time. I'm learning just how important it is to find people that are comfortable with the clutter and pick you up when you're in pieces, not run away from the mess.