AN OPEN LETTER TO THE COWARD WHO SET ME FREE

I refuse to begin this passage with "Dear X" because there is nothing dear about you or what you've proven you’re capable of. And to be honest, you’ve heard this all before. However, this really isn’t for you, it’s for me.

You are a coward.

You opted to fade away into the bed sheets of a stranger (on several occasions), rather than tell me the truth about how scared you were of our future. Rather than man up and face our struggles, head on.

You are a thief.

You stole my joy, my faith in people, my trust, my appetite, my slumber, my sanity, my confidence and my heart. You took the best of me, for years and I never even realized. But what angers me most is you stole the light from my eyes. You took my ability to glow with happiness for the people around me at at time I needed to most. When I wanted nothing more than to enjoy every second of my best friend getting married, or celebrate my sister’s engagement. Luckily my love for them goes deeper than for you, so I figured out a way to push you aside and celebrate their lives as best I could. 

You are a liar.

When you told me nothing happened at the bachelor party, that you just got too drunk to function, that you just hung out with the guys, I believed you. When your new promotion would be so time consuming, you couldn’t be the “boyfriend you wanted to be”, I believed you, but assured you we could make it work. When you shook my fathers hand and told him we were in a good place, he believed you. You fooled us all, and made everyone believe we were on our way to finding genuine happiness, separately and as a unit, despite the distance you recently put between us. 

I’ve gone over every detail of us with a fine tooth comb. Speculating where exactly I went wrong or when you lost interest in our life. I beat myself up over missing all the signs and allowing myself to trust such a monster. I think of every instance things could have gone better, I could have looked sexier, I could have been kinder, I could have sweat the small stuff less. Maybe then you wouldn’t have wandered. Maybe then you would have supported me like you should have. Maybe then I would have been enough.

But you’re the one who lead a double life, a shameful, deceitful, and disgusting life and dragged me along with you. I did nothing, NOTHING, to deserve that. Pretending to care about a person, who has done nothing but love and support you, is one spineless game. Not once did I look in someone else's direction. I was only ever looking at you. Truly captivated by you. So captivated that everything I ever did, was for you. How sad.

I always told myself that if anyone, ever, did what you did to me, I'd wipe my hands clean of them and instantly exclaim, “That’s it. We’re done”. What I didn't know was the blinding love and confusion that would be so closely tied to it. Nearly 6 years of endless firsts, belly aching laughter, true adventures, happy tears, sad tears, stupid fights, real fights, traveling, grieving, loving and living. Luckily for me, time has once again proven to heal all wounds. Well, time and travel, but still.

If you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for the good, but mostly for the bad. Thank you for opening my eyes and allowing me to see how I deserve to be treated. For allowing me to recognize an opportunity to rebuild my life exactly how I imagined it would always be. It may have been some of the darkest days of my short life, but here I am, stronger for it. Most of all I want to thank you for setting me free.

I wish you luck for when you wake up and realize your only companion is a liar, a coward and a thief.  

 

Never yours, 

Toni

LIFESTYLETONIComment